Category Archives: vulnerability

My first radio interview

Thanks to a friend, this past week I had an opportunity to be interviewed on the radio for The Gallery for Inspiration™.   This was a first.  pexels-photo-270288I’ve never been interviewed on the radio before.

It was nice that I wasn’t obsessing about the upcoming interview.  I went on about my days doing my usual things and only preparing a small amount in a way that felt right to me.  I felt both calm and excited.

 

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No surprise I enjoyed myself.  The two radio hosts were super friendly.  I felt welcome, really enjoyed the experience and appreciated the opportunity.  Honestly, I was a little naturally high as I was experiencing this new experience.

If anyone out there reading this has experienced living with anxiety as an everyday companion you know the challenge it brings to your life.  But, in my case, it didn’t have to be a forever thing.  Years ago I started looking to become clear about past experiences that had contributed to my limiting self-beliefs. Out of this work I learned more about my patterns and eventually moved forward to let go of my old limiting stories.  And this work is still paying off every day, from feeling less anxious to experiencing a pretty incredible life.

That day on the radio, instead of squirming with fear and doubt, there was just me showing up to enjoy the experience and at the very least, learn.  Learn more about giving a radio interview.  Learn how to spontaneously answer questions without being scripted (however I did bring some talking points).  Mostly, to be ok with not knowing how it would all turn out.

When I was sent that MP3 file I listened with great curiosity.  I’d forgotten how I answered some of the questions and was more than curious (ok maybe even a little worried).  As I played the MP3 file I waited to see if I was embarrassed.  I wasn’t.  Overall, I feel it went really well.

I just don’t have the ambition to be perfect anymore.  Trying to be perfect was making me miserable especially in the situations where I’m not all that skilled yet.  I’m just me and if that includes my (charming?) stumbles and quaint memory losses in mid-sentence, the mispronunciations, the dreaded brain freeze, then so be it.  But because I was willing to be myself in that interview I relaxed and I didn’t experience too many of my charming stumbles.

One more thing about inventing reasons to be afraid and anxious is that the experience unfortunately becomes all about us rather than the real reason we’re doing what we’re doing.  Imagine obsessing about I hope I don’t forget what I want to say.  Jeez I’m scared.  What if my body makes one of its (charming?) noises?  Will they like me?  I’m not qualified to do this.  Why did I agree to this?  I hope I don’t let ______ down.  What if I embarrass them or myself?  What if I fail?  And my personal favorite (even on the radio- jeesh), How’s my hair look?”  Funny but it’s exhausting!  I’m ok with being less buttoned up because it’s allowing me to relax, use the freedom to change direction, even while leading a workshop.  That’s a good thing for what I do.

After listening to the interview, I walked around my house watering plants while talking to my guides, sharing that I felt we did great and that I had a lot of fun.  And I felt that now familiar confirmation from them that showed me they were pleased I felt that way.

It just makes everything so much easier and fun when we kick a little butt.  Such as in stepping up and doing whatever it is that we love doing or, at the very least give ourselves the space to improve.

Speaking of but! … For all you fellow strivers and perfectionistas there’s one BIG caveat.  We can’t force ourselves to feel confident and secure.  We have to be ready.  And that takes looking at where our old perceptions come from.  It takes work to be being willing to let the old perceptions go and choose to allow for the stronger, more confident, more joyful, and a more amazing version of ourselves.

Do you have any limiting self-beliefs you have that you’re ready to look at, to learn from, and when ready, let go of?  Don’t assume you’re damaged goods or the only one out there who feels this way.  Even all the whoop-tee-doo gurus and our supposed leaders have had to look at themselves at some point (…or not).  It is a choice.  Everyone grows when learning about themselves and taking action from that place.

The more of us learning about and letting go of our fears, the more we can more fully enjoy our lives and make our contributions.  Let’s go for it together.

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If you want to learn more about how to create great possibilities for yourself, and you’re in the DC/MD/VA area, check out one of my upcoming workshops here.

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Allowing for true gratitude

There are so many tips on how to practice gratitude.  Funny isn’t it?  That we human beings are in such need to be coached on how to experience gratefulness.

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Today I was noticing the newly green trees, shrubs, bushes, woods, and the lushness of it all.  It was a sight to behold.  If you know me at all you know that my being in the presence of the outdoors has always spoken to me.

I sat there appreciating and had my moment.

There isn’t a day I’m not grateful for something in my life.  It was just that today the nature around us seemed even more beautiful.  I’m also more than grateful for our lovely divine guide team who assisted us in finding this place.  Therefore there was a little bit of a love fest in my heart going on.

Taking a minute to spontaneously feel grateful for whatever wonderfulness we’re experiencing just leads to more wonderfulness.  We can’t schedule those moments.  It’s more about noticing in the moment.  The more we notice, the more we feel more naturally occurring moments of joy and contentment.  All the while appreciating the beautiful support that assists us in creating what we’re experiencing.

You know that expression “my heart is full”?   Perhaps that’s what I was feeling.  I felt such love and such gratefulness and I could feel that energy concentrated within my heart space.

This feeling of connection and love has been happening more and more, and often while in meditation.  When I first started experiencing these sensations in my heart space it was unfamiliar.  I hadn’t felt that anything like it before and started to strategize how I could make that happen again.  But now I allow for it to be for however long it lasts.  It’s only a moment or so and I don’t get too attached to why it shows up or what it might mean.  I only know it’s related to some lovely thoughts I’m thinking or an experience I’m enjoying, connecting with a presence from within.  This is no time for analyzing.  I just go with it, enjoy the experience, and feel, yup you guessed it.  Grateful.

Three Bears Experience in Finding Support

Are you someone who has made big changes in your life?  Perhaps you’re opening to consider a bigger picture and there’s not a lot of people you can talk to about your experiences?  It’s natural to want to be around others who are also in a good space.  Or perhaps you’re struggling and could really use some support right about now.

It’s clear to me who the friends, acquaintances, and others are that I want to share all, or only certain parts of me with.  So it’s very important that I make time to meet with genuinely supportive people where I can bring all of me.

Connecting with someone can make our day, whether it’s on social media, or at one of those old school networking events, or meeting someone for a deeper conversation over coffee or lunch.  However, for me social media is not my first choice to connect with someone because typing into a little box to abbreviate myself is right up there with the all to common time-weary 30-second elevator talk.

That’s why a simple casual in-person meeting the other day meant so much to me.

All I did was get together with a couple of women for conversation and it was just what I needed.

In little more than one hour we shared what we’re experiencing and traded information and ideas.  We talked about how our work is going, what we’ve been learning, where our challenges are, and how we’re figuring things out as we go.  It was fun to honestly share that I truly have no idea what I’m doing and totally figuring it out as I go and yet that seems to be working really well for me.

Finding support is a little like the Three Bears story.  As I’m out and about connecting with others, some connections are just not quite right, or too much/too little, or oh hell nopexels-photo-207891

Sometimes the best connections can come from the least likely situations.

I imagine the Universe rubbing it’s hands together knowing that I’ll be learning a lot about myself and others as I put myself out in the world more.

It worked out that I decided to meet with those two women because our connection was just right.  Maybe it worked for me because I’m learning to listen with an open mind, realize that our experiences don’t have to be similar, I no longer water myself down because it’s not really an issue if someone doesn’t “get” me or visa versa.

And I trust that the right people will show up at the right time, especially as we let go of our less supportive relationships.  We all have some of those right?   Are you letting go of the limiting relationships in your life to make room for more fun and supportive connections?

 

 

Winter nesting habits, fleece clothing, and fear

Right now my focus seems to be on baking pies, painting, and lazing around in my wonderful fleece lined yoga pants and faux fur slippers.   These yoga pants and slippers own me and I’m great with that.  I’ll take them off in April. 

Lounging around until whenever-ish, is pretty terrific.  It’s downright nurturing to just be.   However, I’m slacking around creating my ideas.  And yet, I still very much want to create those ideas.  See my dilemma?

I’ve got this.  All that’s needed is a little course correction.

When I don’t act on my good opportunities coming my way, the opportunities naturally dwindle.  And through a lack of action on my part, sometimes what is coming my way, is not really the best fit for me.  I’m certainly not giving my awesome intuitive guidance much to work with, as I let my side of the partnership laze.

It’s not as though my intuition will leave me as a result of me not taking action or following suggestions.  I’m also encouraged to create a lovely balance in my life, and that involves painting, cooking, relaxing, etc…  It’s unconditionally loving, and always supportive, assisting in every moment, no matter what.  But it is a relationship, a partnership, and my connection grows as I play and work with it, and take action around the information I receive.  We’re doing this together and, to a point, some action is required.

But there’s more.  It’s especially worth looking at why I’m not taking action.  It’s not all about the call of the wonderful winter nesting activities.   Quite honestly, there’s still a certain amount of me holding back out of fear.  Fear of rejection.  Fear of being targeted.  Fear of being seen, my beliefs known, and being ostracized for them.  Those are no small fears.  So, this is when I ask that very same guidance to assist me with releasing those fears, once I’m more clear what they’re about.  In my case, usually those fears stem from “I’m not enough”, an old core belief of mine.  They happen less and less, but can still creep up when I’m feeling that my next steps are  a little or very challenging.

And yet, these fears are a wonderful opportunity.  They’re here to show me, Hey look, here’s that thing again.  Let’s look at it, receive clarity, clear it, and move on.   There’s a process that was shown to me for doing this.  Anyone can come up with their own version to consciously become aware, look at what’s there, as a way to understand and release it.  I may start with writing down my feelings, and then move on to meditation, and visualize releasing what I can to the highest form of light.

We all have our reasons for holding back.  It’s so worth it to honestly look at why we get a little stuck now and again.  It’s nothing to worry about and we’re all totally “unstuckable”.   Asking for help is a great start and assistance will be there.  Various pieces will show up to support us, and we’ll learn about ourselves.

I woke up this morning wanting to add a post script here.  Several years ago I spent a lot of time looking at and understanding more about where my limiting core self-belief came from.  It was work. There was focus, dedication, even tenancity, courage, and self-kindness.  I’m post-scripting because by no means was I suggesting that it’s fast and easy to release this kind of self-belief, <I’m not enough, I’m unworthy>.  But years ago I did deep work in this area and I was able to see where this self-belief came from. I realized that it was never about me, and I took responsibility for allowing that belief to be carried on by me for most of my life.  Without going into every detail, I’ll just say, this work was transformational.  It’s understandable that, now and again, speckles of this belief show up.  I feel it’s a gentle reminder and opportunity to remember who I really am. These speckles show up less and less, and for me now, are easier to notice, have clarity about what’s behind the feelings, and compassionately release the old belief and embrace my truth.  

Standing in our own personal power

It was a simple meeting…

How was it that afterwards, when I came home and had lunch with my husband, I cried?  As I tried to express myself between tears I kept saying Why do I feel this way?  What exactly happened?  My husband was also asking, how could you get so upset over a casual meeting with someone?  I don’t know why I feel this way, I blubbered into my salad while spilling dressing all over myself.  And I really didn’t.  I needed a minute (it took a week or so).  I was so done, sniffle, sniffle.

Embracing our differences

 

This experience was not really about a disconnection with someone or an awkward meeting I’d had the best of intentions for.  This was an opportunity for me to learn something about myself.

We’d met the previous week at her event and from what we both shared there, it seemed we were on the same wavelength.  While she didn’t intend for this, I felt deflated by her first question…so tell me, I know there’s more to your story.  There isn’t really much more I thought and all of a sudden I felt ordinary around someone who clearly was exuding ‘special’ and ‘expert’ as she shared all her highly unusual metaphysical experiences.  I felt like a duck out of water and no longer stood in my personal power.

Not a fun meeting and I take complete responsibility for feeling smaller.  I compared myself to someone else and fell into an old pattern of coming up short.  Watching an old belief pop up over a simple interaction, allowing old assumptions about myself to resurface, the more constricted I felt.

If this experience taught me anything it’s that I have my own lane, to embrace it, and to confidently stand in it.

More On Aligning With Our Purpose

Lately I feel like I’ve been shot out of a cannon.  Even as I type this post my keyboard can’t keep up with me and I have to keep pausing for the cursor to catch up.  I’m conflicted between wanting faster Internet, but not wanting to give Verizon more of my money.

Along with things feeling like they’re moving at the speed of light, are the inevitable growing pains associated with me being ok with being different.  Screen Shot 2017-04-03 at 6.19.55 PMI’m coloring outside the lines and some days I own that, and some days I feel awkward and weird and weird (I know I typed that twice).  There are gazillions of people out there talking and writing about the very thing I’m talking and writing about.  We’re all doing our thing, each of us resonating with different people, as it should be.   But it’s clear that this line of work is not attracting approval from friends, family, or most strangers.  It isn’t mainstream.  Mark my words, once my book is published and I’ve given a TEDTalk, then I’ll get the approving sentiments, the clap on the back, but by then I won’t need their encouragement.

When aligning with our purpose we’re stretching ourselves.  You’re probably equally excited and terrified.  It’s understandable that you’re in need of a kind word, occasional words of encouragement.  Funny, we get impressed about where people work, what their titles are, how monetarily successful they are, if they’re published, what they drive, where they live, how they dress.  Meanwhile, we’re missing the magnificent that we pass on the sidewalk every single day, the great musician guy working at Trader Joe’s, or the folks we meet networking or at social events, that seem so ordinary, just like us…but, just like us, they’re amazing and they’re standing right in front of us.  Me.  You.  Not because we worked at stupid AOL years ago but because of who we are.  Maybe we should all wave while jumping up and down shouting “I’m right here!  I’m a magnificent human being…do you see it too?!”

You see yesterday, I had a gigantic moment.  I joined a group of ladies for a friend’s birthday and was asked what I do or if I was retired.  Answering her I said I’m a speaker and talk about spirituality, about looking to ourselves for the change we want for ourselves and the world.  Simple right?  And then, it felt so good to say that, I kept going.  Yupper, because I was sharing something that meant a lot to me I kept talking out of sheer nervousness as several faces politely listened to my monologue.  It’s like I gave myself a get out of jail card purging many decades of holding back and it came out in a torrent of words.  Then I told them my other idea I’m working on, cause evidently I wasn’t done talking yet.

We all have these moments that are big for us but others couldn’t possibly know because the moment is ours, not theirs.  It always feels good not trying to fit in, being my old self who used to hold back, worried I might “rock the boat” or stick out, afraid of being seen and heard.  Yesterday I talked too much about myself, stuck out, rocked the mainstream boat a little, as I talked about something many people don’t understand and probably think is strange for me to do.  Bite me.  I color outside the lines and happy that I do.  All I have to say is, if you’re reading this and you color outside the lines too, good!  Don’t stop.  Don’t hold back.  Be yourself, and show other people what it looks like to think differently, and to see how that pays off in unimaginable ways. Not everyone colors outside the lines and that’s ok too.  We should all be ourselves unapologetically.

For me, I know I’m experiencing a growth spurt.  No one else will recognize it.  But it’s here and I’m good with it and with all the vulnerable feelings that come along with it.  Stretching myself is always a challenge, but it gets easier, until…I reach my next challenge.  No question, I’d rather be in a space of growth than be stuck where I was.

Following my murmuration

Today I went somewhere, physically and spiritually.  I went for two reasons and I stayed for only one.   What I’m experiencing in my life is beautiful, joyful, and at times…not overwhelming…but more…mind boggling.   And I have no one to share all this with.  I can write about it, mention it in my talks, but that’s not the same as what I experienced this morning.  Not usually, but sometimes I’m SO LONELY because there are no people in my life just to sit with in it or casually speak with about it all.  But today I followed my murmuration and sat with people who share in all this…whatever all this is for them.  They have a place where they can physically go to be with each other.  And, I didn’t realize how much I crave this.

And by the way, I’m not really ever alone.  I always have the support of something that’s always with me, supports me, guides me, and loves me unconditionally. But being with people who might understand what I’m feeling is important too.

Interesting to me, the other reason I went there I’m no longer interested in pursuing.  This was a gift today and I don’t desire anything else.  And today was a good day to show up.  I’ve had a rare bee in my bonnet yesterday and the day before, still buzzing around even this morning as I started my day.  It’s about wanting to spend more time writing, to noodle with a talk I’ll be giving, to research leads and look into some legal things I need to look into as I create this new idea I have to bring people together to share their inspiration.  But, instead, I spent the past two days doing what I felt I should do… favors, errands, cooking (but not cleaning) and I was full out annoyed.  It’s becoming more and more important that whatever I’m doing I’m doing with as much joy as I can.  And I desire to allow for more time each day to play and work on my dreams and ideas, even longer meditations if I feel like it.

I exhaled when I entered that room today and it felt like that bee buzzed off somewhere else.  I allowed myself to show up today as just me, just someone who wanted to feel all that love, and it was a very nice thing indeed.  I’ve always run from churches.  I don’t like repeating someone else’s thoughts, someone else’s words, believing a belief just because someone wrote it down a gazillion years ago.  This part of my life I’m finally love-2111827_1280learning to speak my own words, uncover my own beliefs, to follow my heart, and to allow myself to be seen rather than hide.  That hasn’t changed.  But after following my murmurations today I see that I can have community without losing who I am, without compromising my own unique beliefs.  I can have all that, feel a community of tremendous love…stay afterwards, get (and give) more hugs, and eat chocolate chip cookies.  Murmurations are a good thing to follow, and I probably follow them more than I realize.