Usually I practice watching my thoughts, actions, words, and habits. But yesterday, I shot first, and was thoughtful later. For what I thought was a good reason, I wrote a couple of negative online reviews of the business. Not a great choice on my part. The owner of the company responded to me, and I learned, has only the best of intentions. I don’t want to be the goddess of righteousness. The issue I wrote about is for the owner to figure out how to address, not me. Every day I’m still learning to pause first, really think and feel into what response would be most beneficial. In this recent experience, I felt that my poor review wouldn’t help the solution, it only served fueling more negativity. And I felt awful, physically. The more I practice managing my thoughts, actions, words, and habits the more I’m picking up on physical feelings that go along with my thoughts, actions, words, and habits. If I’m positive I feel warmth, or those good chills I get, or even love. When I choose to go the other way, I feel a tightness and I feel low. More and more I’m becoming aware of how I feel as I go about my day. In this case, I felt like I did mess up so I’ve since removed my critical review and edited the one I couldn’t remove. I feel better already, and I’d rather my thoughts count for something positive.
I’m stalling. I have so many ideas and yet I take no action because it involves me creating the opportunities and that’s unfamiliar territory. My entire adult life, until a couple of years ago, I’ve had a Corporate career. I followed all the rules for putting myself out there, according to the mainstream Corporate rules. I was awesome at finding a company I thought I wanted to work in, and then getting the position. And I always found a prominent company to work for that was close to my home with a short commute. I had the whole dance down to a science. Now I’m finding myself in non-mainstream, more quasi-non-mainstream. Not crazy out there stuff just unusual ideas, with a lofty outcome…of which I’m convinced is possible. I’m still finding out where my passion is. There are buzz words not only in the Corporate Marketing world but also in the quasi-non-mainstream life. “Transformation”, “shifting”, “evolving” are all words that are used way too much in my opinion…but until I come up with better ones… I believe I’m shifting and creating my immediate world for the better, just by shifting my thoughts, words, habits and where I place my attention. I’m also incredibly interested in energy. I’m seeing my own energy shift as I make all of these other shifts. I’m feeling more about what works and doesn’t work for me, becoming more intuitive, and my beliefs about the bigger picture are changing. I’m always joined by something that’s assists me but I need to take some degree of action for there to be something to assist me with. I’ve already begun. By getting myself into a better place I effect change throughout mankind. Crazy statement right? Whatever. It’s logical and true for me. I believe each of us can change the world by changing the messages we’re putting out there, starting with how we put ourselves out there. Where is my attention? Is it fear or peace I’m consumed with? Am I buoyed up or bringing myself down? That counts towards what I create. The news, movies, books, museum exhibits…everything and everyone counts in a big way. I want to have an effect on evolving museums, the movie and television industry, the news, and mankind…placing our attention to how we exist everyday… Now that is interesting to me.
A while back someone and I were conversing about spirituality. At some point I mentioned how I left my career, and he mentioned that he lives in a small place with few possessions. It’s kinda amusing how that information creeps into a conversation about spirituality. It feels like we’re going for the badge of honor thing. What do either of those things have to do with spirituality anyway? Well, I suppose leaving my career was a good example of following my heart to live more joyfully. And, he feels wonderful living more simply. Point being, it’s different for everyone. And our own definition and examples of feeling connected is as wide as the Grand Canyon. Does only good behavior equate to spiritual? What is supposed “good” “spiritual” behavior? Who keeps track? What’s the measurement stick? To me, measurements, do and don’t lists, and judgments, feel like religion. Long story short…back to the conversation, I don’t think it’s what, how much or how little anyone owns, or what it is we do for a living or not, or a million other things. The bigger picture for me, is more about who I am, in every moment. For me, there only seems to be a lovely progression which sometimes can be very challenging and other times pure joy. Whatever I do, whoever I think I am, even however I behave, it isn’t possible for me to botch anything. Even in my best and worst moments and with all things, interests, beliefs and window dressing…my spiritual experiences meet me where I am.
We’ve been so busy with having fun creative projects in our house lately that my meditation time seems to consist more of thinking time and list time. I first started meditating in college, after going to a Transcendental Meditation center with a few acquaintances from my dorm. I received my mantra and began meditating with the highest expectations for something momentous to happen. Yup…momentous totally didn’t happen. But my very first introduction was from a family member who would talk to me about meditation. He would mention the white light he would see while meditating and once I started meditating he would periodically ask me if I saw it. Oh you don’t?….Huh. Idolizing this person, I believed that seeing white light must be momentous. If he saw the white light I wanted to see the white light, though whatever it signified I wasn’t too sure. I never saw it and I still don’t see the freaking white light when I meditate. Having that expectation, I let ruin my experience for meditation. After a short time I determined that I wasn’t doing meditation correctly and I only did it sporadically after that. But about eight years ago I sincerely sought out the benefits of it. I no longer practice TM, or use a mantra. I just don’t like repeating a mantra, it feels like I’m trying to “do” meditation. Some days when I sit down to meditate I might think of a list of things I want to do during the day. Yup, this is not meditation. But eventually, it’s possible that I get around to it and allow myself to both focus and let go and fall into a floaty la-la land. Some days I begin by feeling how grateful I am or just concentrate on my breathing. Sometimes I ask for intuitive guidance. Once in a while I feel emotional and other times I get the lovely chills I often feel when I’m on the right track or something significant happens. I know I receive information and assistance and the presence of something other than myself. Whatever it is I look forward to it most every day to feel calm and connected. This morning, I sat in front of my office/studio window and took in the snowy view of our wooded backyard view. It’s probably our last snowfall of the year and I wanted to remember it. The trees were covered with snow and it was slowly and quietly falling from the branches. Looking at that view was meditative and I realized I’m often unaware of meditative moments. For example, for years, while growing up my family would go out for day long boat rides in my Dad’s antique wooden boat. Loved the sound of that beautiful old boat’s engine and the lovely scenery as we’d slowly wind between the many rocky islands. I’d easily fall into a meditative state. I also feel meditative when I walk through woods or when I paint or listen to music. And, it can be meditative when my husband and I are sailing…assuming it’s not one of those days when we’re trying to sail like a bat out of hell. Whatever form meditation takes, I’m happy to say I finally gave up on my expectations around it.