I started comparing myself to someone I admire. Usually I like seeing where she’s taking her work and I have nothing but good thoughts. I notice her new and exciting direction and I believe she’s making an enormous contribution to the world. How totally cool. But I must have been feeling poopie around my lack of action around my own ideas and dreams because I started comparing myself to her. Now, why’d I do that?! We’re two entirely different people with our own unique skills, personalities, and paths. And yet there I was taking myself away from my own awesome experiences and feeling smaller and kinda envious. However, in reality I’ve done a lot this past year. I started letting others see me by sharing my story and giving a few talks. I got married, sold houses, bought a house, and moved. And, most importantly when I look back at my own life I realize how significantly I’ve changed over the past few years and how much I now love and appreciate my life. Maybe I’m exactly where I need to be and there’s no cause for concern. Years ago I never thought I was worth a damn. I could lie around guilt-free and relax. Now, I know I too can make a lovely contribution to the world. But I feel guilty for just stretching out on the couch because I have some ideas that should be put into action. Shouldn’t they? However lately, all I want to do is get horizontal under our big atrium window, to look at the trees and birds, and take naps…preferably without guilt. So my pep talk to myself today is that when I feel inclined to take more steps, I will. To stop panicking, because I still have lots of years ahead of me. In the meantime, I can just enjoy and have fun. Everywhere my intuition is talking about joy and having fun. Have fun! Have fun! Have fun! Ok, ok. I get it, have fun. Yup. I know. I am. I am. But am I? Sure. I ate six homemade chocolate peanut butter cups and that was fun until I got a colossal sugar headache. Then I ate some of the Super Bowl buffalo chicken dip with Frito scoops and that was fun until I got a stomach ache. Usually I eat NO sugar and mostly vegetables. Big change. Then I went to a gym last week and took a beloved spinning class and endured it while the instructor obnoxiously worked really hard at intimidating people in the class. I did tons of menu planning and store runs getting ready for a party and company visiting, hence, above mentioned fun party food. The two events overlapped over a weekend. After going to our friend’s party, I cooked for our own weekend activities until 1:30 am. I felt like I was on one of those reality cooking shows with the loud buzzer about ready to go off when time runs out. Maybe cooking under pressure wasn’t exactly super duper joyful, but I had my moments. Definitely spending time at our friend’s party and spending time with our visiting friends was fun. I’m hearing and learning that fun and pure joy is about doing whatever I’m genuinely excited about doing, moment to moment. Sound easy? I don’t think so. There are so many distractions and other priorities that creep up. Today I went to a meeting an hour away, driving on a high speed highway, in snow flurries. I followed my gut and it was a great move. I always enjoy myself in that group and did so again today. I’d like to say following my intuition is very simple and effortless. It’s been challenging because I’m adorably stubborn, but it’s becoming more and more effortless to follow my gut. It seems to be trial and error, seeing how I feel, listening, and making adjustments as I go along. Perhaps next time, I value how I feel so much, that I leave the obnoxious spinning class early and move to a treadmill instead. That sort of thing. I’m guessing there’s way more to intuition, joy and fun than I understand right now. Maybe it’s a path to my path. Whatever. It’ll be fun learning more about it.