Every day now I’m having a blast using my own self and higher energy. I’m seeing new ways of being aware/conscious with really good results. My challenge is around the process of obtaining a healthcare plan through my state’s healthcare exchange. It’s been frustrating with possible dire consequences. It appears that a simple error was made by a phone representative during a phone call when I signed up for the plan. That little bitty error, a month and several phone calls later, could be the reason I might not end up even having a healthcare plan in 2016. No one would retire early and leave Corporate healthcare plans if they thought this sort of thing would happen. I was done. After many days of phone calls, I spent the weekend letting go of frustration, anger and worry from the lack of resolution. I decided to reach out to my state Senator for help, and there I was directed to the Governor’s office. Before I set out I asked my higher self to channel higher energy through me so I would be more able to choose the high road that day. Yup, I know that sounds airy fairy but what can I do, it works. And I looked to mostly myself to have a more beneficial outcome. Sure, the outcome is also dependent upon another person’s intervention, on my behalf, but I believe even that is a reflection of how I’m holding myself. Not all that long ago I never would have believed in this and would have been too embarrassed, in front of even myself, to try it. Not anymore, I’m experiencing amazing things coming out of weirdly wonderful practices. So I’m planning on continuing. That day, I started with imagining the best outcome as if it’s already happened. Often I say simple affirmations to myself especially when things get frustrating or low. Also, I remembered all those times I assisted someone, because that’s what I desired here, assistance. I chose to feel and visualize a good outcome. The awesome woman at the Governor’s office somehow connects with a wonderful person who successfully corrects the effective coverage date and I’m back on track. I’m looking forward to seeing what outcome we create together.
More often than not with this blog, I have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve been waiting to write more blog entries when things are more perfect to share. And that’s why I haven’t blogged more. I started to feel that I shouldn’t share the times when I stumble. But what I’m realizing as I live more consciously, and open to my spirituality, is that I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to get everything right, especially as I’m just becoming aware of it. And, please understand, that I’m not trying to convince you or anyone else of anything. Sometimes I worry that you might think I’m lecturing. I’m not. I’m truly not doing this for you, it’s for me. If you like my blog, that’s nice. If you see yourself in some of this, that’s neither good nor bad. Not to be abrupt or rude here, but if you don’t like what I write then oh well, it’s just not your thing. (So why are you still reading? 😉 Please don’t expect this to be a rah-rah blog where you see lots of cutesy photos, smiley icons or many inspirational quotes. I will not be sharing various famous spiritual pop star advice. My blog is more about the practices I’m trying after from coming out from under a heavy weight going way, way back to when I was a kid. With much encouragement, I had awful beliefs about myself that I chose to continue believing even as an adult. It took a lot to become free from all that. In the meantime, I missed out on love, experiences, feelings, and relationships. But, as a result of all the awareness and work, things are different now and I get to share all the simple and sometimes kooky yet wonderful things I’m doing to feel better and more secure. I’m sharing how I hold my energy, where I place my thoughts, the kind of words I choose to use, and what behaviors I choose to have. At first this work has been a little mind blowing. Consciousness, learning about energy, and my own evolving spirituality has been a fascinating road. I used to be someone who had to see to believe. I had to hear things a certain way. I had to have a certain kind of proof. No more. There is so much more. And when I’m not stuck in my head being serious, analytical, and perfectionistic I’m really enjoying myself and all the amazing things I’m now experiencing first-hand. I’m here in large part, I believe, to learn how to love myself and others unconditionally…among many other things I’m learning. A whole new world has opened up to me these past few years. After all the heavy lifting I did a few years ago to get to this point, it’s now fun for me to practice all of the awesome things I’m learning. I get to share here to whomever is listening and I become more and more clear as I share. And that’s where I am with this blog.
I started comparing myself to someone I admire. Usually I like seeing where she’s taking her work and I have nothing but good thoughts. I notice her new and exciting direction and I believe she’s making an enormous contribution to the world. How totally cool. But I must have been feeling poopie around my lack of action around my own ideas and dreams because I started comparing myself to her. Now, why’d I do that?! We’re two entirely different people with our own unique skills, personalities, and paths. And yet there I was taking myself away from my own awesome experiences and feeling smaller and kinda envious. However, in reality I’ve done a lot this past year. I started letting others see me by sharing my story and giving a few talks. I got married, sold houses, bought a house, and moved. And, most importantly when I look back at my own life I realize how significantly I’ve changed over the past few years and how much I now love and appreciate my life. Maybe I’m exactly where I need to be and there’s no cause for concern. Years ago I never thought I was worth a damn. I could lie around guilt-free and relax. Now, I know I too can make a lovely contribution to the world. But I feel guilty for just stretching out on the couch because I have some ideas that should be put into action. Shouldn’t they? However lately, all I want to do is get horizontal under our big atrium window, to look at the trees and birds, and take naps…preferably without guilt. So my pep talk to myself today is that when I feel inclined to take more steps, I will. To stop panicking, because I still have lots of years ahead of me. In the meantime, I can just enjoy and have fun. Everywhere my intuition is talking about joy and having fun. Have fun! Have fun! Have fun! Ok, ok. I get it, have fun. Yup. I know. I am. I am. But am I? Sure. I ate six homemade chocolate peanut butter cups and that was fun until I got a colossal sugar headache. Then I ate some of the Super Bowl buffalo chicken dip with Frito scoops and that was fun until I got a stomach ache. Usually I eat NO sugar and mostly vegetables. Big change. Then I went to a gym last week and took a beloved spinning class and endured it while the instructor obnoxiously worked really hard at intimidating people in the class. I did tons of menu planning and store runs getting ready for a party and company visiting, hence, above mentioned fun party food. The two events overlapped over a weekend. After going to our friend’s party, I cooked for our own weekend activities until 1:30 am. I felt like I was on one of those reality cooking shows with the loud buzzer about ready to go off when time runs out. Maybe cooking under pressure wasn’t exactly super duper joyful, but I had my moments. Definitely spending time at our friend’s party and spending time with our visiting friends was fun. I’m hearing and learning that fun and pure joy is about doing whatever I’m genuinely excited about doing, moment to moment. Sound easy? I don’t think so. There are so many distractions and other priorities that creep up. Today I went to a meeting an hour away, driving on a high speed highway, in snow flurries. I followed my gut and it was a great move. I always enjoy myself in that group and did so again today. I’d like to say following my intuition is very simple and effortless. It’s been challenging because I’m adorably stubborn, but it’s becoming more and more effortless to follow my gut. It seems to be trial and error, seeing how I feel, listening, and making adjustments as I go along. Perhaps next time, I value how I feel so much, that I leave the obnoxious spinning class early and move to a treadmill instead. That sort of thing. I’m guessing there’s way more to intuition, joy and fun than I understand right now. Maybe it’s a path to my path. Whatever. It’ll be fun learning more about it.